Breaking the Mask of Regret - Part 1

It was some time ago that I made my first mistake... Was it really my very first mistake? Probably not, but it's the first one that I know I regretted. My mistake... was wearing a mask.

Photo by Edilson Borges on Unsplash

With Halloween coming up all forms of masks will start to show up, like ghosts, ghouls, and goblins. But there are some masks that are not always physical. Sometimes they might be mental, spiritual, or, like the mask I wore, emotional.

Growing up in the middle of nowhere, in the panhandle of Florida, I was surrounded by your typical "good ol' southern boys/girls." If I am being honest, it was quite intimidating. I was not born a "southern boy", but was grafted in around the age of seven. And, like any seven-year-old child, I wanted to feel accepted by my natural-born peers. So I watched those around me, copied their mannerisms, learned what was acceptable to like and dislike, and if it meant being accepted, I gave in to peer pressure. The one and only objective: was to be loved no matter the consequences.

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

I tried to learn to play sports, hunt, fish, camp, spit (I know, weird distinction, just go with it), and whatever else constituted a "man." If the males around me were doing it, I was doing it too, to prove I was a man. I honestly idolized any man who could do all of these things well. In my eyes, they were the epitome of what a man truly was. Looking back, I think it was just my natural optimism just seeing the absolute best in people. Unfortunately, it would be that same optimism that blinded me to my own reality.

It was exhausting trying to keep up the outward facade of this model of a man. I even created two distinct personalities, one for home, and one for my friends (A habit that still haunts me to this day). But if I was going to be accepted, I had to maintain it to the bitter end.

Photo by Kimberly Farmer on Unsplash

There was something that majorly lacked in my "manly" education and model, and that was how to deal with emotions (Something I have always had an abundance of). It is also here I take the full blame for my ignorance. I put more stock into what my peers said, and I failed to notice a man who DID know how to control his emotions, my father. A man who I will always look up to.

Nevertheless, with my lack of "training," I repressed the tidal wave of emotions. If certain emotions did not fit the model of a true man, I put them behind closed doors and pretended they did not exist. But, just like a baking soda volcano with a little vinegar, it would eventually explode. But I will get to that later.

Photo by Toby Elliott on Unsplash

From seven, all the way to college, I was your typical "yes man." If it meant you would accept me, or love me, I would do it. I suffered from an acute case of unadulterated people-pleasing. Early on this made me a huge hit with the adults (or so I assume) and a pushover for my peers (who at times took advantage of my naïvety). But this "disease" led to another issue, extreme clinginess. For someone to love me, I would have to be near them by whatever means necessary.

I want to take a second to make a very important note. In no way am I recusing myself of any blame for any of my actions in my life. I alone bear the burden of my choices.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

It was probably during my college years that I really started to understand my emotions. However,  breaking out of the role I had perfected wasn't going to be easy, I had to rewrite my story. But just as Rome was not built in a day, it was going to take some time to rewrite a story 18 years in the making.

To be continued...