Breaking the Mask of Regret - Part 2

 Where it ended:

It was probably during my college years that I really started to understand my emotions. However, breaking out of the role I had perfected wasn't going to be easy, I had to rewrite my story. But just as Rome was not built in a day, it was going to take some time to rewrite a story 18 years in the making...

And now the story continues...

I started college at the local community/vocational school near my parents. Up until this point, I had been homeschooled all my life. Adjusting to the new schedule took a little getting used to, though it wasn't the schoolwork that was most challenging for me. In actuality, it was navigating the social rules of conduct among so many more peers.

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One of the first challenges was figuring out where I fit. I was this very loud, sometimes obnoxious, kid from the middle of nowhere who knew no one, and who had never sat in a classroom in his life. I was about to learn a few hard truths...

Truth 1: Not everyone wants to be your friend

This truth wasn't exactly new, but it was during college that it really sank in and I learned to bear it. It was also one of the hardest truths to understand for a people-pleasing maniac like myself. I thought as long as I am playing my role and I go along with the crowd, everyone will accept me. But this was far from the truth, and I learned some will use my weakness to their advantage.

Though I do need to make one thing clear, I am not advocating closing yourself off from the world. We still need people, but we need to be wise about who we allow into our innermost thoughts. I would always say I am an open book and I will talk about anything and everything... That was not wise... While I should be truthful in all things, being open about all things is of another matter, but I am getting off track again.

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Truth 2: Differences are not a bad thing

In a world where I did nothing but conform to the expectations and pressures of society around me, hiding my differences was a high priority. This one was almost a crisis of conscience to learn because there were so many varying degrees of personalities around me, I couldn't keep up. As mentioned earlier, I had developed this habit of segmenting my personality based on the current group. Now that there were multitudes more, I began to blur lines between groups.

This is one of those truths that should be very evident, but it's not always practiced. This is a very common movie trope where the protagonist is among one group and they might be very proper, polite, etc. However, while in the confines of that group, the second group (who are the exact opposite) appears. And either the protagonist flees before being seen, or some kind of commotion breaks out and they are accused of being two-faced. You get the gist.

In a world where I did nothing but conform to the expectations and pressures of society around me, hiding my differences was a high priority.

In this type of situation, which truth is real? Are they more like group A or group B? I learned that sometimes it was a little of both or maybe none. Perhaps I watched too many movies as a child, but I had this irrational fear that if I did not conform, then I would be ostracized from both groups. When in reality, that is not always the truth. The truth is sometimes you will be kicked away, but if you are true to yourself, most will accept you. They did not hate the protagonist because they were with the opposite group, they hated the protagonist because they lied. We must learn to accept our own differences, as well as others, and be truthful about who we are.

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Truth 3: No matter how much you care, you can't make the horse drink

Yes, that is a very odd thing to say. But the old saying has so much truth to it: "You Can Lead a Horse To Water, But You Can’t Make It Drink." I had to learn that no matter how much I cared, encouraged, pushed, prodded, or poked, everyone was in charge of their life choices. I have two or three instances in my mind where I thought what I was saying was wise and the people I was talking to should have listened to me. I have lost several friendships and almost lost several more because I kept pushing them to listen to what I had to say because I thought I knew best.

Regardless if my words were good advice or bad, I should have never forced my opinion or perspective on someone else. I can speak out of concern, but they have to make the ultimate choice for their own lives and I have to accept that. Even when acceptance means walking away.

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Truth 4: Be prepared to do the right thing, even when it's hard

Just as someone has to make their own choices, we have to make ours. That can mean doing things that make us uncomfortable. I think back to some of those friendships I lost and I wonder if I had not ignored the red flags, would have things turned out differently? If I had spoken up sooner or spoken softer, would I have not irrevocably damaged it? So many times post-breakup, I would look for reasons to justify myself. I would hear about them through the grapevine and tell myself I did the right thing. I would catch a glimpse of their life through social media and say it's better this way. Whatever the case might be, I might feel justified, but that doesn't mean it was right.

I wonder if I had not ignored the red flags, would have things turned out differently?

Does this mean you shouldn't have boundaries and moral integrity? Absolutely not, those are all necessary to have a healthy relationship.  But for me, I did not communicate within the boundaries, I allowed my tidal wave of emotions to dictate my responses and that is where I went wrong. Even if my words or attitude were different, the outcome could have been the same. Regardless of the outcome, we should never violate our own boundaries or moral integrity. It's the right thing to do.

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So where does that leave us...

So in my typical fashion, I have talked about 100 things that don't seem related to the title of this series, Breaking the Mask of Regret. But these are all things I learned and regretted learning so late in life. I regret living my life under the pressure of others and not being myself. I regret how I handled situations in the past. I regret not setting boundaries and sticking to them. I regret repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I regret... I regret... I regret...

But I think the things I absolutely regret the most... are the moments when I unjustly hurt someone I love and care for. Were some of them unintentional? More than likely. Where some of the moments needed but I was careless in my approach? Also more than likely. Do I shy away from hard conversations to avoid unintentionally hurting someone again? I can't. The hard conversations still have to happen, I can't run from them. 

I will mess us up, it's absolutely inevitable. There is no way I can be perfect, but what I can do is learn from my mistakes, seek genuine forgiveness when I mess up, and be true to who I was designed to be. Only then will this mask of regret be shattered and the chains that bind my emotions set free.